Thursday, March 1, 2012

Do you have MJ or know someone who does?

There is something that I have been preaching and teaching about since I was in middle school (back then we called it junior high).  It has always been one of the most important things that a female of any age should know.  I have now passed the knowledge on to my oldest daughter.  She now knows placement.

If you have no idea what I am talking about, you should find the nearest mirror, turn around, and look at your derrière.  If your booty hangs down 2 or more inches below your pockets you need to take off your jeans right now and burn them.  I mean it.  And take all of the jeans in your closet and burn them with them because you apparently have no clue about pocket placement.  You are a wearer of "mom jeans" (MJ), and this makes moms everywhere look bad.  Note: if your jeans are stone-washed or elastic-waisted or have no pockets (or God-forbid all three), you too need to burn your jeans.  If you still aren't convinced, turn around now face-forward in the mirror and look.  If the "zipper line" is really long and makes you look like you have a melon for a stomach, you are wearing "mom jeans."  If you look down at your feet and can see your socks, you are wearing "mom jeans."  Please take these off, seriously, you are embarrassing yourself (think of your kids), and don't ever wear them again.  Trust me, at this point, you would look much better as a "mom slob" (read about that here).  These are definitely not the jeans that Katy Perry was referring to in "Teenage Dream" (not that your jeans should be skin-tight, in fact they shouldn't be unless you are in phenomenal shape and I will get to that in a minute, muffin-top people), nor are these the jeans Flo Rida referred to in "Low" as "apple bottom jeans."  People, look around you, do you see other people wearing mom jeans?  Do they look attractive?  I'm hoping you answered this with a resounding "no."   If those two references alluded you, let's try this one:  they aren't the kind of jeans Mel McDaniel was singing about in "Baby's Got Her Blue Jeans On."  I hope you understand by now that these are highly unattractive.  Don't believe me, take a picture of you wearing them (front and back shot), upload the picture on Facebook, and ask your friends what they think.  Hopefully you have some honest friends.

Now, lets talk about where the pockets should be on the jeans.  They should NOT start right above the rump and stop half-way down (this leaves excess booty hanging out).  They should not be high.  They should start ON your hiney, follow the curve of the rear-end, and stop where the curve of your booty ends.  They should not be so low that they continue down your leg (this makes you look like pancake-butt).  Let's go a step farther, the waist of your jeans should NEVER go above your belly button (neither should your underwear, granny-panty wearers), they should always be long enough to cover the tops of your shoes so that your socks don't show (really, are you waiting for a flood?!), and they should NEVER EVER be tapered.

All of this being said, your jeans should also fit you.  They should not be too big, but they also shouldn't be too little.  Too tight creates "muffin-top."  Not the kind from Seinfeld, but the kind where your jeans are so tight that it pushes all of the skin and fat that won't fit into your jeans up and over the top of your jeans.  Sound disgusting?  It is to look at too.   Speaking of disgusting, does your buttcrack show when you bend down?  Newsflash: it shouldn't.  Look in the mirror, do you have any of these issues?  If you do, go put on a pair of sweatpants and go jeans shopping.

Now that we have had this talk, go spread the word.  Let your children know how jeans should fit.  You don't want them to have a muffin top with buttcrack anymore than you want to wear mom jeans.  They shouldn't even sell them anymore, it should be illegal.  I think we should start a TV campaign against mom jeans, are you with me? - Why didn't my friends tell me I have been wearing Mom Jeans all these years??!!!

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for helping bring awareness to this tragedy! Hopefully by the time our children are Moms, we will have helped make the world a better place for them.


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