Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Bottles to Potties: Laughable Advice Parents Should Not Take

Being a new mother is hard.  It is a time that can leave you feeling confused, irritated, annoyed, frustrated, tired, and wonderful all at the same time.  These feelings are often exacerbated by people giving you "helpful" advice that you most likely did not ask for.  No matter where you are, whether it be at the grocery store, the doctor's office, or strolling your baby down the highway (although I might stop and give you advice here because you are obviously in need of some guidance because what sane person strolls their baby down a busy highway?  It happens people, I have seen it), you will receive unsolicited advice.  Now, if you are a normal parent (which means you are not the one strolling your baby down a busy highway), you will have advice hurled at you that you will file away in your brain and use it later to question your parenting skills (oddly enough, I do not think that the ones strolling their baby down the highway question their parenting skills, ever).  At some point or another, whether we are new parents or veterans, we all question our parenting skills.  Usually we do this when our kids are behaving poorly, like when you are questioning whether there was a mix-up at the hospital because this child could not possibly be related to you and act that way.

These are the things that I was told that I mistakenly believed when I was a new parent:

1.  Babies will will stop taking a bottle willingly when they are one.  Are you crazy?!  That bottle is like baby crack, and they are not about to give it up without some serious rehab.  And there are nights that you will become their dealer and give them that bottle to restore some kind of sanity and balance in your house.  It is ok, no one is going to turn you in to the baby police for slipping your kid a bottle every now and then.  I have even been known to do it in public, just to save the hearing of the other people within earshot (those people can thank me later, after they get done with the judging stares; on second thought, maybe I should not have spared them).

2.  Your baby will give up their pacifier.  Um, no.  This does not always happen.  Your child does not care that it is not "age-appropriate" for her to still have a pacifier.  Do you think she cares that people are staring because she is three and has a pacifier?  Answer: no, she does not, and she also does not care that you think she does not need to have it.  She only cares that she has her "fix" which once again makes you her dealer.  So, you will have to be her dealer and then her rehab specialist and stage an intervention at age 3.999 to take it from her.  Oh, and waiting until she is old enough to reason with does not work in your favor.

3.  Your child will use the potty when they are ready.  Yes, and with a much needed shove from you because why would they take time away from playing to do something so unnecessary when they can just go ahead and do it in their diaper?  I know, it makes sense to use the potty, but sense when has a toddler ever been reasonable?  Just do not try to take away the pacifier and do potty training at the same time because it is akin to a child going through detox and it just does not work.

4.  Fits are just a child's way of expressing themselves, they will outgrow them.  This was obviously said by the mother of the ten year old throwing a fit in the toy department of Wal-Mart, calmly waiting for it to pass, while the other shoppers are staring with their mouth agape at a child that age behaving that way.  Now, admittedly, none of us should ever stare in shock and amazement at such a display, but we are all guilty, whether right or wrong, because it feeds our own egos (we are only human).  No one should ever judge another mother, ever; I firmly believe that.  However, that being said, come on, no body should ever let their kid throw a fit in public and actually let them finish it without some kind of intervention.  Fits need to be nipped in the bud, and if they can't, then leave the store with your screaming child.  That way when you try to put them in the car, someone can call the police and child services because it appears that you are kidnapping your own child with the way they are flailing around and fighting you as you try to strap them in to your car.  (Note to the people who are calling the cops because they think the child is being kidnapped: if the inside of the car has car seats, toys, old food, trash, and carpool line paraphernalia, odds are the parent of the child is the one wrestling the kid into the car not a kidnapper, but thanks in advance for the judgement you passed on someone else's parenting skills.  Other note: If you really think my child is being kidnapped, I appreciate the help, but I just hope it is not the aforementioned situation.).

5.  It's just a phase, it will pass.  Eight years later, I am still waiting for it to pass.  Too bad the advice did not come with an expiration date.

someecards.com - Thank you so much for giving me the advice that I did not ask for [or want]....


  1. My son potty trained when he was 3 years 10 months. If it were up to him to be "ready", he'd still be in diapers and sucking on his pacifier.

    1. Lol, I'm sure every kid would be!!! Thanks for reading!

  2. Obviously esp. relating on #3 right now--this whole list is so true, thanks for making me feel more normal! :)

  3. You are SO right!!! My younger son was ADDICTED to his pacifier. It took some serious intervention. He was still walking around with it when he turned 3. It wasn't long afterwards that we got REALLY serious about it all. Your list was so funny AND accurate! Thanks for linking up with us over at #findingthefunny!

  4. We just detoxed from the pacifier and are timidly looking at potty training...terrified...me, that is. Also, so right about the bottle. They'd still be on it if we hadn't gone cold turkey.

  5. Mine are on the spectrum. I don't see those meltdowns abating at all. Fun list.


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