Thursday, June 14, 2012

There Should be a "Fathers Take Your Toddler to Work" Day

My two older kids are gone this week, spending a week at their grandparents.  In theory, this did not sound like a bad idea aside from the fact that I was going to miss them.  For future reference, this was a bad idea.  Why?  Because those two kids keep my one-year-old entertained.  Now they are not here to do it so guess who gets to be the entertainment all day long?  Me.  Just me.  Oh, this is also the week that my husband is having to work late after work.  How convenient for him.

I did not realize that I could not get anything done with a toddler around, I mean nothing.  My oldest child was the last toddler that was here by herself and she was pretty self-sufficient.  By the time my middle child was born, my oldest played with her while I did household chores.  Now they entertain the youngest one.  Except this week because they are not here and that is not happening.  This has turned into an exhausting job.  I wonder if it is that hard for the other two kids?  If it is, I should pay them, they should get paid for this kind of work.  No, never mind, that means that it would be like having child labor and that is illegal so I guess they will have to go on doing it for for free. Come to think of it, maybe that means they shouldn't have an allowance either since it is supposedly based on the amount that they help out around the house.  Hmmm....I think I will look into that.  I could use their allowance money to buy a lock for my closet door so that I can sit there in peace for five minutes before they figure out how to pick the lock.

My husband actually asked me [last night] if I planned on cleaning the house any time this week.  True story, it happened, he asked that as he was eating the dinner that I cooked for him while having an almost-two-year-old wrapped around my leg the entire time. The amazing part is that he is still alive to tell about it.  But all kidding aside, have you ever tried to clean the house with a toddler following you around?  That person that made that ecard that has been going viral on the web is right, "Cleaning the house with the kids home is like trying to brush your teeth while eating an Oreo."  After daydreaming of smacking him upside the head for saying something like that (did I leave out the part where he said "what do you do all day?", yeah, I know, hard to believe he is still breathing), I decided that maybe he was right (just stay with me here, he did apologize for saying it in the first place).  Maybe I should try to clean the house.  So this morning I set out on my mission which was immediately deterred by the fact that he decided to get our daughter out of bed before he went to work.  There went my hour of cleaning before she got up. 

My first goal was to vacuum.  I was pretty pleased with myself when I finished the kids' hall and she had not tried to "help."  Then I turned around to see her standing behind me with a half-empty bowl of pretzels.  The other half was crunched up on the floor along the hall that I had just vacuumed.  All she had to say for herself was "a trail!"  Apparently her sisters have read her Hansel and Gretel.  Sigh....

I did not give up, I picked up all of the pretzels and put up the ones she had in her bowl.  I continued to vacuum.  When I got to the den, she decided to play chicken with the vacuum cleaner and squealing "you didn't get me."  I decided to let her win and I went to clean the bathroom.  It was quiet, that kind of quiet that makes you really nervous when you usually have a house so loud that you wait to receive a ticket from the cops for noise pollution.  I found her putting broken pretzels on the floor in front of the vacuum cleaner.  Where is she getting these pretzels???  Is she hoarding them when I give them to her for a snack because she is afraid that I will never feed her again?  Side note:  if you are a parent who is shaking your head because I let my kids walk around with a snack, let me stop you here and say that you must be new to this whole parenting thing.  It's obvious because you think kids shouldn't walk around with a snack.  I used to think that too, but I gave up that way of thinking years ago and you should abandon it too, mostly for your own sanity.  Kids will mess up your house whether you let them walk and eat or not.  For the record, walking and eating is fine, drinking and driving is not.  Ok, back to the story.  I asked her what she thought she was doing and she told me that the "vroom cleaner" was hungry.  How do you argue with that?  No, seriously, how, because I tried and got no where so I gave up and vacuumed up pretzels for the third time today.

I finally got through vacuuming and moved on to mopping.  I mopped the kitchen and the bathrooms without incident.  Until the end.  I had just finished the master bath and it had dried when I saw it.  But she saw it first.  My husband had left his unfinished cup of coffee on the bathroom counter.  What follows was in slow motion.  She grabbed the cup to "hand" it to me, which means she threw it to me and yelled "catch."  Coffee flew up into the air as I dove for the cup.  I slipped on the coffee that had spilled all over the floor, but I caught the cup before it hit the floor.  My little angel merely said "good job Mommy" as she giggled and ran out of the room to, I'm sure, cause havoc elsewhere in the house.  I swear if my husband comes home tonight and says something like "are you going to do any laundry this week?"  he will be sleeping on the couch of his closest friend.... - Husband: Do you plan on cleaning the house any time this week? Wife: That depends, is it

Friday, June 1, 2012

Situations in Which You Can't Fix Stupid

Lately I have been the victim of thoughtless, self-consumed, and, in some cases, stupid women.  Well, not just me, my children have been as well, which really makes me irritated.  The most frustrating part is that these people were so oblivious to what was going on around them, they never even realized that I, among other people, were getting extremely annoyed.  Here are the situations:

Situation #1 "Swimming Pool"
I enjoy taking my children to the swimming pool (although the rain today gave me a much needed break).  I also make my children abide by the pool rules.  How do I know that they are following the rules?  Because I am paying attention to my children, not my cell phone.  However, there are some mothers who are covered in Crisco, frying on their towel, perusing their cell phones, and not paying attention to what their kids are doing.  Even when their kids are disrupting the entire pool environment and making babies cry.   Ignoring your child jumping in the pool at the shallow end right by the sign stating "No diving or jumping", producing tears from the children who are two and under who are being splashed, and resulting in their mothers to have to get out of the pool, will in the future warrant a bucket of cold ice water dumped over your head to wake you up from your phone daze.

Situation #2 "Inappropriate Conversationalist in a Public Place"
My children were excited to go to Barnes & Noble today in place of swimming since it was raining, and I was thankful to not have to endure the rude mothers.  By the time I was done in the bookstore, I was missing the rude mothers from the pool.  After the kids had spent what felt like two hours in the children's section, I coaxed them to come with me to the cookbook section (I wanted to get a new vegan cookbook; this is new for me, read that info here) which seemed to be pretty innocent, far away from the 50 Shades of Grey section.  My older two were sitting down on the floor reading their new books with my youngest in the stroller beside them as I skimmed through some books.  At first I was oblivious to the two chatty women who were standing beside us pretending to be looking at the books while sipping their ice coffees.  Then, as their voices got louder, I picked up on their conversation.  The content of their conversation would have made E.L. James blush.  Their conversation was completely inappropriate for young children to hear, it was actually inappropriate for anyone to hear.  So, after loudly stating how clueless, tactless, and rude some people were, we made our exit.  I would like to think that those women heard me, but they were so deep in their disturbing conversation that I doubt they even noticed.

Situation #3 Women With Large Purses in Restaurants
High chairs in restaurants are typically placed at the end of the table or booth.  And in those high chairs sit little kids.  Kids who did not ask to sit there, but have to because that is where the people in the restaurant put them.  When women with large purses, who do not pay attention to the fact that my child is sitting in the high chair, walk by and whack her in the head with their bag that would have been checked at the front door due to size if we were boarding an airplane, it makes my child cry.  She does not like to be hit in the head, most people do not.  Just do me a favor, do not give me the shocked look like you do not know what you did when I say, "Excuse you."  That just makes me want to hit you in the head with a piece of luggage and watch you cry.