Thursday, June 14, 2012

There Should be a "Fathers Take Your Toddler to Work" Day

My two older kids are gone this week, spending a week at their grandparents.  In theory, this did not sound like a bad idea aside from the fact that I was going to miss them.  For future reference, this was a bad idea.  Why?  Because those two kids keep my one-year-old entertained.  Now they are not here to do it so guess who gets to be the entertainment all day long?  Me.  Just me.  Oh, this is also the week that my husband is having to work late after work.  How convenient for him.

I did not realize that I could not get anything done with a toddler around, I mean nothing.  My oldest child was the last toddler that was here by herself and she was pretty self-sufficient.  By the time my middle child was born, my oldest played with her while I did household chores.  Now they entertain the youngest one.  Except this week because they are not here and that is not happening.  This has turned into an exhausting job.  I wonder if it is that hard for the other two kids?  If it is, I should pay them, they should get paid for this kind of work.  No, never mind, that means that it would be like having child labor and that is illegal so I guess they will have to go on doing it for for free. Come to think of it, maybe that means they shouldn't have an allowance either since it is supposedly based on the amount that they help out around the house.  Hmmm....I think I will look into that.  I could use their allowance money to buy a lock for my closet door so that I can sit there in peace for five minutes before they figure out how to pick the lock.

My husband actually asked me [last night] if I planned on cleaning the house any time this week.  True story, it happened, he asked that as he was eating the dinner that I cooked for him while having an almost-two-year-old wrapped around my leg the entire time. The amazing part is that he is still alive to tell about it.  But all kidding aside, have you ever tried to clean the house with a toddler following you around?  That person that made that ecard that has been going viral on the web is right, "Cleaning the house with the kids home is like trying to brush your teeth while eating an Oreo."  After daydreaming of smacking him upside the head for saying something like that (did I leave out the part where he said "what do you do all day?", yeah, I know, hard to believe he is still breathing), I decided that maybe he was right (just stay with me here, he did apologize for saying it in the first place).  Maybe I should try to clean the house.  So this morning I set out on my mission which was immediately deterred by the fact that he decided to get our daughter out of bed before he went to work.  There went my hour of cleaning before she got up. 

My first goal was to vacuum.  I was pretty pleased with myself when I finished the kids' hall and she had not tried to "help."  Then I turned around to see her standing behind me with a half-empty bowl of pretzels.  The other half was crunched up on the floor along the hall that I had just vacuumed.  All she had to say for herself was "a trail!"  Apparently her sisters have read her Hansel and Gretel.  Sigh....

I did not give up, I picked up all of the pretzels and put up the ones she had in her bowl.  I continued to vacuum.  When I got to the den, she decided to play chicken with the vacuum cleaner and squealing "you didn't get me."  I decided to let her win and I went to clean the bathroom.  It was quiet, that kind of quiet that makes you really nervous when you usually have a house so loud that you wait to receive a ticket from the cops for noise pollution.  I found her putting broken pretzels on the floor in front of the vacuum cleaner.  Where is she getting these pretzels???  Is she hoarding them when I give them to her for a snack because she is afraid that I will never feed her again?  Side note:  if you are a parent who is shaking your head because I let my kids walk around with a snack, let me stop you here and say that you must be new to this whole parenting thing.  It's obvious because you think kids shouldn't walk around with a snack.  I used to think that too, but I gave up that way of thinking years ago and you should abandon it too, mostly for your own sanity.  Kids will mess up your house whether you let them walk and eat or not.  For the record, walking and eating is fine, drinking and driving is not.  Ok, back to the story.  I asked her what she thought she was doing and she told me that the "vroom cleaner" was hungry.  How do you argue with that?  No, seriously, how, because I tried and got no where so I gave up and vacuumed up pretzels for the third time today.

I finally got through vacuuming and moved on to mopping.  I mopped the kitchen and the bathrooms without incident.  Until the end.  I had just finished the master bath and it had dried when I saw it.  But she saw it first.  My husband had left his unfinished cup of coffee on the bathroom counter.  What follows was in slow motion.  She grabbed the cup to "hand" it to me, which means she threw it to me and yelled "catch."  Coffee flew up into the air as I dove for the cup.  I slipped on the coffee that had spilled all over the floor, but I caught the cup before it hit the floor.  My little angel merely said "good job Mommy" as she giggled and ran out of the room to, I'm sure, cause havoc elsewhere in the house.  I swear if my husband comes home tonight and says something like "are you going to do any laundry this week?"  he will be sleeping on the couch of his closest friend.... - Husband: Do you plan on cleaning the house any time this week? Wife: That depends, is it


  1. LOL!!! I love all the e-cards. This is hysterical. Feel free to link up if you like on my Sat laughs!

  2. Excellent post. Oh, how I remember those days. They are long in my rear view mirror now. My youngest is 13.

    These days will pass. I know they are exhausting and frustrating, but they make for great blog material. And your kids still allow you to write about them.

    Congratulations for not killing, maiming,or otherwise inflicting injury on your husband. You're a better woman than me. And you even let him eat dinner after that? You're a saint.

    Thanks for sharing. Stopping by from SITS. Have a great weekend.

  3. Oh my word. I'm tired just reading your post. No kids and we have been trying. This reminds me of the work children entail if our goal is accomplished. My friend is a nanny to families of multiples for this reason. They can entertain each other. Visiting from SITS!

  4. That is one of my problems with only having one child. No one to keep her entertained. I'm glad that now that she's 5 she plays with the neighbor kids more so I'm not her only entertainment.

    At least in a couple years when we have another child our oldest will be a fun playmate.
    Love the E Card.
    Visiting from SITS!. Have a good Father's Day Weekend.

  5. Omg this is the post thing I've read all week! I agree:)

  6. so true. how about daddy stays home with toddler day and see how much cleaning and cooking gets done. my older two keep their little brother occupied. they left today for their grandparents house too. its quieter just having one but also harder to keep my Daredevil entertained. i guess after these two weeks i will appreciate my older boys, i miss them already! visiting from SITS!

  7. My kids are 13 and 9 and I still get house cleaning done better when they are not there. I have been recovering from surgery and not married. My house looks like a tornado came threw and has since we came home last week. hopefully tomorrow I will feel well enought and headache free but they will still be home. grrr. lol

  8. Just about died when I read the line "The amazing part is that he is still alive to tell about it." Hilarious! You are a good sport! I don't have children, but I can imagine it's tough at times. (Stopping over from The SITS Girls!)

  9. Ah toddlers. I can NEVER get anything done with the toddler around (and he's 2 1/2). When I try to sweep the floor, he grabs his little broom and tries to 'help' (read: move the stuff I swept up all over the floor).

    Funny ecard!

    (stopping by from SITS)


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