Thursday, January 10, 2013

Top 10 Mommy Confessions

I do a lot of things that I do not like other people knowing about.  Mostly because I know that judging on some level will occur, but there is also a little bit of "if I don't say it out loud, it won't be as bad."  However, as a start to a new year, I am going to confess my top 10.  So, without further ado, here are my Top 10 Mommy Confessions (don't judge, just accept):

  1. I take my children's candy on the premise that they don't need it because it can cause diabetes. The truth is that I hide it in my closet and eat it when everyone is asleep.
  2. I justify hiding in my closet eating candy because I know that 30 minutes of cleaning burns 120 calories, but really I just need a candy break.
  3. My kids know to run and hide when the doorbell rings so that we don't have to answer the door. That's normal, right?
  4. I do not feel compelled to catch vomit with my bare hands. I let it hit the floor.
  5. I have jumped up 15 minutes before my husband gets home to pick up the toys and make the bed to make it look like I have cleaned the house.
  6. I get mad at my 9-year-old for acting just like me.
  7. I sometimes forget to brush my 2-year-old's teeth.
  8. All of my kids have a TV in their room even though prior to having kids I said that would never happen. It took 7 years for me to give in.
  9. My two year old falls asleep watching TV because that's easier than to break her of the habit.
  10. I don't ground my kids because it makes my life harder. 


Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Top 5 Mental Notes to Prevent Embarrassment

People of all ages do this.  It takes place all over the world.  As a matter of fact, if you do not do this, you are seriously debilitating yourself socially.  I am talking about making mental notes (or notes to self as I like to call them).  Mental sticky notes stuck all inside your head that remind you to do something, or, as in my case, not to do something.  Do not kid yourself, this is the same thing as talking to yourself.  Actually, if you stop and think about it, the best conversations probably take place inside of your own head.

I started thinking of "notes to self" yesterday while in the doctor's office, where I made an important mental note (I will get to that in a minute).  In order to save you people from the embarrassment that I have endured over the years and to give you things to think about, I am going to give you my top 5 "Notes to Self."
  1. Wear new socks to doctor visits.  I thought of this one yesterday as I was sitting in the doctor's  office wearing a hospital gown and dingy socks that were very worn on the bottom.  It dawned on me then that I should have bought new socks to wear because doctors are more likely to see your socks than your underwear.
  2. Turn off Justin Bieber or One Direction when your children exit your car.  Otherwise the people that pull up beside you at a red light or in a parking lot are going to think that you are rocking out to JB or OD, and that is just an awkward moment that no one really wants to live through.
  3. Remember that it could always be worse: you could look like you did in middle school.  When you are looking in the mirror thinking that you have aged or you are having a bad hair day or a bad eyelash day (surely I cannot be the only one who has these?!), just remember you could look like that awkward middle school kid you used to be that is documented in over a hundred people's yearbooks.  Doesn't that just brighten up your day?
  4. Teach your daughters (at an early age) to cover up from neck to ankles.  If moving to a colder climate, such as Alaska, is what it takes to make sure your daughter stays covered from neck to ankles, then by all means do so.  This stems from a conversation that I heard in a department store not that long ago.  Mother [to her teenage daughter]: You cannot buy that top because it barely covers your stomach, you might as well be wearing a swim suit in public. Daughter [to her mother]: Mom, that's a great idea!  I will just wear my bikini top with this mini skirt. Mother [to her teenage daughter]: That top is great, let's go buy it. 
  5. Do not walk through your house wearing just your underwear unless you have all of the blinds closed because someone standing outside will see you every single time.  The yard guy.  The yard guy was outside when I had to run to the laundry room to get my clothes.  He was early and we never spoke of it.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Mom Slob Disorder (MSD) Revisited

In light of the recent traffic my MSD, It's Real and It's a Problem post has received, I think I should revisit this topic.  If you have not yet read that post, please click here because I value your input.  Now for what I wanted to say about the topic: Mom Slob Disorder.

Yesterday, I sat down to write my New Year's resolutions.  I came up with a few of which I will share with you in a later post, but my biggest resolution that I kept trying to write down was overcoming my MSD (Mom Slob Disorder).  If you know me, you know that I do not dress up.  It is not that I do not have the clothes for it, it is just that I don't want to.  Actually, that is not true either [because sometimes I do].  The truth is, it goes beyond being lazy.  I am not too lazy to put on a pair of jeans, a nice top, crazy stylish shoes, do my hair and make-up (wow, maybe I am going a bit far, wait I'm not, I have a point).  I do not do these things every day because it is not appropriate attire for my day job (or my night job because let's face it, since when do moms get even a 30 minute lunch break).  If you were going to work in a lawyer's office, would you wear the same attire that a construction worker might wear?  If you were a construction worker, would you wear a suit to work?  I didn't think so.  So for my job as "Mommy," I do not dress up.  I wear my yoga pants and T-shirt every day of the week.  Unless I have an appointment somewhere, which I will dress up for, but I am changing the moment I come home.

Magazines always make me feel the worst about MSD.  Not that they have labeled this, but they refer to us as "needing a make-over."  I do not need a make-over, I own other clothes and makeup so thanks but no thanks.  I have read articles about how you need to look nice for your husband when he gets home from work.  Really?  Maybe that might have to fly in the beginning, but once you have a pint-sized human projectile vomiting on you, looking nice is not the goal.  Adapting to your surroundings, however, is.  I do not feel as if I can effectively be "Mom" if I am dressed to the nines chasing a kid around the park while wearing 4 inch heels.  Maybe I'm not the problem, maybe it's the way that MSD is perceived that is the problem.  Maybe instead of trying to change those of us with MSD, we should just educate the mass public that we are not lazy and there are reasons for our appearance.

Grocery Store: If you could have witnessed the scene my child acted out on aisle 3 when she screamed and cried for the cookies that were on the display in the middle of the aisle instead of staying on the cookie aisle where they belong (and the aisle in which we don't frequent because of such fits), then you would know why I am wearing this snot-covered T-shirt.  If we should meet later on aisle 7, you will note that I now have chewed-up-and-slobbered cookie crumbs on the back of my T-shirt because my child, who won the argument for the cookies, has now decided that I am the best Mommy in the world and hugged me with her little dirty hands.  When I accidentally bump into your buggy on aisle 10, don't be angry because now you can see that I am trying to wrestle the ink pen that my child stole out of my hand. She has obviously decorated the front of her shirt and now mine while I was looking for a can of beans.  If you are fortunate enough to catch me at the check out line, you will be the witness to the "leaving-the-grocery-store-meltdown" that occurs because I refuse to let my child have any of the candy that decorates the check out lane.  By this time, maybe you will realize that I did not want to ruin my "good" clothes for a trip to the grocery store and can be more understanding next time you see one of us when walking into the store.  We are dressed for the job.

Park: There is something about climbing all of the way to the top of the slide and not sliding down that my children absolutely love to do to me.  They claim it is fear, but I think it is payback for all of the candy I will not let them eat.  Either way, I still have to climb to the top of the slide to bring them back down (or slide down with them).  That being said, shoes with heels or a skirt or dress would not be permissible in this situation.  And have you seen playground equipment?  It is filthy.  If you, heaven forbid, actually have to slide down with them, your clothes are going to get dirty.  So, yes, there is a reason why sometimes I feel like the worst dressed Mom at the park.  I am dressing for what my kids are going to put me through when we are there.  I am dressing for the job.

Car Pool Line: If you have even read the two scenarios above, you know that I am not going home to change to go sit in a car pool line.  What would be the point?  Just know that if you come visit me in the car pool line, I won't be dressed to walk down any runways.  And I might just have on a red visor with a pink T-shirt [gasp], so please, don't be offended.  I had to put on a hat after my kid threw her lunch at my head and I did not have time to wash my hair because that would mean that she would be running wild by herself in the house.  Again, I am dressed for the job.

So when you see someone who is obviously suffering from MSD, realize that they are not lazy, they are just dressed for their job.  Do not judge them, but try to understand them.